The 5 Resources on Relationships you need.
Let’s talk about relationships, it can be hard I know. I hear your frustrations, the battle cries of those struggling to figure out this relationship thing that is constantly evolving. Relationships invite us and challenge us daily to hold the mirror back at ourselves as they are only a reflection of the relationship we have with self. But what does this even mean, it can get confusing I know that’s why in a short while I will share resources recommended by Joy Gihana (in picture below), a psychotherapist who graced swap and talk as the special guest at the fourth edition. But first, I urge you to take the action required in these resources, it’s the first step to real change.
Resource 1 – Core Beliefs. Things we deeply believe about us, can be negative and positive. Two people can hear the very same statement and they will both interpret it differently, because of their core beliefs. Where do they stem from? Why do we keep believing these things about us? Well, childhood.
Behavior is just what we see. Beneath the behavior there is a belief system – a thought process – a feeling. What we deeply believe about ourselves influences what we think about life and about people. Our thought processes influence how we feel and how we feel influences how we behave. For example, if you see someone crying – that is a behavior. Behind that behavior is a thought process, they may be sad, angry or frustrated and that is because they’re thinking a certain way. They’re having negative thought processes. Some of these thought processes are reflexes, one won’t even realize they’re thinking what they are thinking. So impulsively we think something which affects – how we feel and in turn – how we behave. Most of these reflex thought processes are impacted by what we deeply believe about ourselves. Therefore, whether we have negative or positive core beliefs they generally influence our systems as human beings. Joy says the leading cause ofdysfunction in relationships is lack of awareness of self.
I invite you to take seriously the exercise on core beliefs to get your mind thinking about who you truly are. And why you respond/react to things the way you do – these things are not random – there is a reason why we behave the way we do.
Resource 2 – Values. What things are important to you? If you’re going to make a decision big or small what are things that are going to pop up in my head. What factors influence the decisions you’re going to make? This resource has good questions on family, intimate relationships, parenting, friendships, work, relaxation, spirituality, community and wellbeing. They all take you back to self. This is very important because before you start to think about your significant other, workmates or family, you must first think about what makes sense to you as an individual. The truth is, everything starts and ends with you as an individual.
Resource 3 – Boundaries. Personal boundaries are limits we set for ourselves within our relationships. Everybody has different boundaries which these stem from childhood. For instance, if you grew up in a home where your parents did not allow you make any decisions and they talked over you, chances are high that you will be an indecisive adult and carry this to all your relationships. This resource has three major types of boundaries; Rigid, Porous and Healthy as the ideal. You do not have to have all the characteristics stated in a specific boundaries category to belong in it. If you find that you have some of these characteristics it is OKAY. The point is to be self-aware in order to self-improve and achieve healthy relationships.
Note; You can deeply love your partner but not accept to be disrespected by them. Joy says that if you want to have meaningful relationships you must be very intentional about filling your cup. It’s your boyfriend/mother/friend responsibility to take care of them and not yours. When a healthy individual relates with another healthy individual, they will build a healthy relationship. She adds that the problem with most intimate relationships today is people thinking their partners will be their everything and help them heal their trauma.That is insanity, because the only thing a partner can do is be patient with you through your healing process. They can probably have an understanding but they’re not going to heal it. It is your personal responsibility to heal you. It is okay to be broken but it’s not okay to hurt other people with your brokenness.
Resource 4 – Setting Boundaries. Now that we know boundaries are important to have how do we set them, This resource aids with that with the first clue being of course knowledge of self. Please note that your boundaries are yours alone, you may be twins and your boundaries will look completely different. This resource also gives us insight on how to communicate when setting boundaries. Note that your body language has to align with your words – look people in the eyes and be assertive and set those limits.
Resource 5 – Tips for healthy boundaries. This resource contains seven short tips to guide you on your journey of setting healthy boundaries.
That’s it my friend! Was this guide helpful? I’d love to hear from you! Would you take a few seconds to comment and let me know if you learned anything new or if something helped simplify things for you! You, my friend,are helping me live out my mission! And I pray I am helping you up-level your relationship-game!